Difficult conversations. Whether it’s a disagreement with your partner, advocating for yourself with your boss, a hard conversation with an extended family member, or an altercation with a perfect stranger, it can be hard to speak up for yourself and know what to say!
Ideally, we want to be our “best selves” in conversations, acting in accordance with our relationship values, such as kindness and self-respect, in every interaction. We also want to be effective in our communication.
But this is a BIG challenge, especially when emotions run high!
For most of us, good communication is a work in progress. I occasionally find myself helping a client work on assertive communication, only to go home and revert to my own unhelpful communication patterns - like shouting orders at my kids or not expressing my own needs directly. That’s because assertive communication, like a lot of things, is easier said than done. Fortunately, assertive communication is a skill we all can learn, practice, and get better at over time.
Trying it out takes some courage. Often difficult conversations will feel scary and uncomfortable. Anger might start to arise if we aren’t being heard or getting our way. Sometimes approaching hard conversations requires willingness to feel uncomfortable.
Assertive Communication: “Just Right”
Think of it as the Goldilocks and The Three Bears of communication:
Passive Communication is too soft.
The goal of passive communication is to avoid conflict. When passive, you don’t speak up about your own needs or feelings.
Although avoiding conflict can feel like a relief in the short-term, the problems can linger and build up in the long-term. If it builds up, it can sometimes “explode” into aggressive communication (see below).
It often leads to emotional distance and feelings of resentment.
People can’t read your mind. If you don’t speak up, they won’t know what you want or need. It’s hard to reach a solution to a problem this way.
Aggressive Communication is too hard.
The goal of aggressive communication is to get control. You express your needs or feelings, but it’s done in a harsh way that can damage the relationship.
Can include verbal attacks, blaming, yelling, threats, etc.
Aggressive communication can evoke defensiveness, fear, or anger. The other person might shut down, disengage, or escalate the situation.
Assertive Communication is just right!
The goal of assertive communication is to resolve the issue and increase understanding.
You express your needs directly AND care for the relationship by being respectful.
Communication focuses on sharing your feelings, perspectives, preferences, and needs.
Communication is direct and clear.
May include “I statements” (see below), making a request, setting limits or boundaries, negotiating, and compromise.
You listen to the other person, and take responsibility for your own actions.
“I statements”
I statements focus on expressing your feelings, perspectives, and needs, not on criticizing or blaming the other person. It gets your point across in a way that does not evoke argument or defensiveness - it is simply sharing your own experience.
An “I statement” might be something like this: “When you (specific behavior), I feel (state feeling) because (state need). I would prefer you to (state request).”
Additional Communication Tips:
Keep your relationship values in mind, especially if your emotions get hot! Even if you are angry or scared, you can pause and act more consistently with your values.
Show up authentically and openheartedly. Simply being open and genuine in your interactions goes a long way. Sharing, with a little vulnerability about how you’re really feeling inside, can help bring you closer to the person and reduce defensiveness.
Be specific. Stay on the specific issue or behavior at hand, instead of making a general statement. For instance: “I would appreciate it if you would please put your dishes away,” instead of “You never put your dishes away, you’re such a lazy slob!”
Listen to the other person’s point of view.
Validate the other person’s feelings.
Let go of control. You may not always get the outcome you want from the other person, even if you communicate well. Ultimately, we really can’t control other people. Sometimes it’s helpful to go into a conversation knowing that the person may or may not respond in the way that you want.
Be aware of expectations and the need to be “right.” I’ve seen people get so entrenched in their beliefs and expectations that it tuns into righteous anger. Marriages have ended over both partners insisting they are right! Always remember that there are multiple points of views, and beware of the righteousness trap.
Reinforce the positive. If the person you’re talking to takes even a small step in the direction you want, that’s a good time to try to send a little reinforcement their way. That might be a thank you, giving the person your attention, or some other way of helping them feel good for what they’ve done.
“Pick your battles.” I don’t expect anyone to always use assertive communication skills in every situation. In some situation, an intentional choice not to say something might make a lot of sense.
If you mess up in an interaction, and aren’t your best self, do your best to repair the relationship. A simple I’m sorry goes a long way! Give yourself some compassion - this is very hard - and try again next time. “Practice makes progress!”
Resources:
FREE RESOURCE: Link here to my handy .pdf Assertive Communication “Cheat Sheet” which you can use to work on your skills. Bring it along for your next Courageous Conversation!
Listen to my podcast interview on Assertive Communication Skills with Dr. Randy Paterson, author of the Assertiveness Workbook!
Recommended Reading (Books):
The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships by Randy J. Paterson.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication by Oren Jay Sofer
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
Read my blog post on Managing Anger. Anger is one emotion that can make effective communication difficult!
Check out an article I wrote for Psyche on How To Ask for Help.
And check out my co-host Yael’s podcast interview with Zoe Chance, on her book Influence is Your Superpower
I was recently quoted in this Fatherly article, When Promises Don’t Pan Out: What to Say When Your Partner Never Follows Through!