If you’ve been feeling angry and irritable, you’re not alone. Anger is a normal and universal human emotion - we all feel it sometimes! It’s the “fight” part of our fight-or-flight system, built in to help us defend ourselves when threatened.
But sometimes anger can be a problem - especially when we are reacting out of anger in ways that are damaging to our relationships, or inconsistent with our values.
Anger occurs on a continuum, ranging everywhere from minor day-to-day irritation, to full-blown rage. In my therapy practice I’ve worked with clients from all walks of life who experience anger — from moms who are snapping at their kids a little too much, to veterans with PTSD who are experiencing severe “road rage,” and everything in between. Whatever intensity of anger you are experiencing, it’s not the emotion itself, but what we do with it that matters.
Tips for Anger Management:
Catch anger as it starts to rise. Pay attention to anger cues — the sensations, thoughts, emotions, and action urges you experience when you’re getting angry or irritable. In doing so, you’ll start to catch anger earlier, as it starts to rise. That self-awareness can shift the anger and help you be more flexible in how you respond.
Look at underlying causes of anger. Are you tired? Stressed? Hungry? Have you been drinking alcohol? Certain factors might predispose you to be more irritable or quick to anger than usual. Consider whether any external factors are contributing to your anger. If so, addressing those factors might help you.
Explore other emotions underlying your anger. Often when we unpack anger, we find that there are other vulnerable emotions present too, like fear or hurt. We may quickly “flip” from a vulnerable emotion to a powerful surge of anger. Opening up to vulnerable emotions can help to defuse anger.
Be aware of rigid or righteous thinking. Often anger arises when we are upset that things aren’t the way we think they “should” be, or when we are convinced we are right about something (and of course someone else is wrong). Be aware of your thought patterns related to anger. Try to be more flexible in your thinking and look for shades of grey. Try letting go of the need to be right, for the sake of something more important like your relationships.
Ask whether your anger is telling you something important. Perhaps you are experiencing an injustice, or your boundaries aren’t being respected. If so, think about how your feelings of anger might point toward something that matters to you. Is there something useful you can do in response to your anger, like speaking up for yourself or advocating for justice?
Consider cultural messages you’ve learned about anger. Perhaps violence or yelling were normalized in your upbringing. Or maybe you weren’t allowed to express anger and learned to bottle it up instead. You may need to learn new skills for effectively responding to anger if you didn’t learn them earlier in life.
Respond, instead of reacting. It can be helpful to take a pause before reacting impulsively out of anger. Be more intentional and deliberate in actions you take when you are angry or irritable, keeping in mind what behaviors will be most effective in the long-term.
Let your values be your guide. When considering how to respond (tip #7 above), it can be helpful to tune in to your values. Think about how “best self” would respond – and it is probably a good idea to think about that before you’re in the heat of the moment!
Use assertive communication to express your needs and opinions in a direct yet respectful way. You can read another blog post I wrote about assertive communication here.
Practice forgiveness and self-compassion. Sometimes we have to let go and move forward by practicing forgiveness. That doesn’t mean anger won’t still arise sometimes, especially if you were wronged, but it does mean you can move forward in your life and your relationships. If you find yourself beating yourself up because of anger, see if you can take a more compassionate stance toward yourself. After all, you’re only human!
Anger Management Books and Resources:
Here are a few of my favorite resources for learning more about anger:
My podcast episodes on Managing Anger and Irritability:
My assertive communication blog post: https://www.drdebbiesorensen.com/blogposts/assertive-communication
A comprehensive book for therapists, The Practitioner’s Guide to Anger Management, and it’s accompanying self-help book, Anger Management for Everyone
The ACT Workbook for Anger: Manage Emotions and Take Back Your Life with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Robyn Walser and Manuela O’Connell
Russell Kolts’s book, Compassionate-Mind Guide to Managing Your Anger: Using Compassion-Focused Therapy to Calm Your Rage and Heal Your Relationships.
Russel Kolts’s TEDx talk on Anger, Compassion, and What it Means to be Strong
ACT on Life Not on Anger: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Guide to Problem Anger
If anger persists and is causing you a problem, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who has experience working with anger. There are skills you can learn to help you respond effectively to anger and irritability.